"I am an oxymoron. I love God and sinners. I am disgustingly forgetful and remember..ful. I laugh at everything and nothing. I love my friends and try to love my enemies. I take too much and not enough responsibility. I am a simple complexity. I am good at many things but great at none. I am sarcastically serious. I'm most alive when I die to myself. I am an organized mess. I am quietly bold. I am a hopeless romantic who has never experienced romance. I am happily single. Jesus is enough for me but I always want more of him. I take refuge and risk, I have doubt and faith, stress and peace. I am a timid leader and a realistic dreamer. I am a pessimistic optimist, an extroverted introvert, and a young girl with old-fashioned values. And I am caught somewhere in the middle of this. I call it me :] I am devoted to God because he is my everything and he deserves all I can offer, which isn't much. I have the best friends I could ever ask for and they make me love God even more and keep my sanity. And my second family is my church where I see God move in the most inspiring of ways. Books and art are my entry to the world of expression, passion and possibilities. I love to sing, randomly and with purpose. These are my loves. And as of now, I'm trying not to care if other people like what they hear."

Basically my life right now :)

Hey watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkzRNpU2_nA

"  "She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days that came and the days to come"

For my name is noble and my mantra hope.

And the banner over me is love.




And, sometimes, it is all one can do to realize that."

-found this from a friend

     So I just heard this song called "Vulnerable" by Secondhand Serenade and I felt like breaking down in tears because it really applies to my situation but I know that it wasn't directed towards me. Or for that matter it may have just been a song. Either way it makes me emotional again. I'm trying desperately to get over what's happened, I tried to make a joke although it's really not helpful. I don't even know how to reply to his e-mail because I get angry and I don't want to pour out all my feelings and overwhelm him. Do I continue to act like we're just friends or do I tell him how he really hurt me? I wish there was some sort of easy answer to that question.

     Here's the deal: back in February he appeared to really like me a lot - he made me a valentine and we followed each other around the whole weekend he was in town (more or less). Then he continued to (in my pov) to show that he liked me. He sent me an invitation to his graduation, and even right in the middle of summer sent me a "surprise" t-shirt he made for his band. Well one day we're texting and he's just gotten off work and all so I suggest that we could actually talk for a bit or whatever. He says he'll be able to call in a couple of minutes. The next time I hear from him is a month later. He says he wasn't avoiding me - but continuing to ignore any communication I tried when I know he was talking to other people pretty much says just that. Avoiding...ignoring...same thing. His excuse, well we all know what that is - but it's a pretty poor excuse at that. Even as friends he could have been kind enough to talk to me. He talked to everyone else didn't he? So he says he's glad that we're friends and looks forward to the next time he will be able to come down and visit everybody here but it's just weird. I know reading back over this it really appears soap opera-ish and that I should have known long-distance relationships don't work etc. etc. etc. And of course I'm skipping over a lot of things; but really... he could have just told me right from the get-go and I think it would have been better than this.

     I guess I really just had to vent. In a couple of weeks I'll look back at this and think that this is all nonsense (like when I read that sorry poem I wrote for him from last year and obviously, didn't send). The end. Kapish. I'm going to bed.

    I guess that's it then. He's found someone else. I guess I'll find someone else... but not anywhere in the near future. That's just how it works out, right? It's not like I can just move on though - for him to come along was this rare sort of blessing. That is, at the time it was... but what was it for? Was there some sort of meaning behind why I had to go through all that? I can only pray that God will give me some sort of an answer. For now I've got to accept the cold truth and move on.

     This has been such an emotional week for me. First I failed a test for the first time in my life then had to deal with saying goodbye. Then a class stressed me out so much that I had to switch my schedule around yet again. What a great start to the school year, eh? Although I'll admit that the class change has relieved a bit already. I understand the new subject much better than the last - and I won't be miserable like I would have studying three hours every night while all the other gifted people in the old class zoom by as if it were nothing to them. Not to mention that horrid test grade is completely wiped off the slate.

     Funny, how one thinks of the summer as a time to re-boot for the upcoming school year, that he can relax and clear his mind of academic issues and focus on friends and fun, etc. For me, I think I didn't re-boot my system. I was in a sort of denial that I would have to go back to school eventually. So the first day back was sort of a blur and that weekend was spent running about getting supplies and this week has made it feel as though I never had a three-month break. So this long labor-day weekend, this awkward feeling of you've moved on but we're still just friends, and finally a set schedule is maybe my chance to really get in gear for what is ahead of me this year. The future.

     It's scary I tell you but I have faith that I can make it through.

     I have always wondered about what it means to have one's heart broken. It's the story of society and in almost every chick-flick girls coo over. There are the cheesy quotes, the crying and sobbing and stuffy red noses, the stories of how the guy cheated, the arguement, the rejection, anything. Only, I never wished it.

     What do you do when suddenly you've been abandoned? Maybe it's a mistake, maybe it's a prank, or maybe it was on purpose, for a reason out of fear, anger, or shame? Nevertheless it certainly makes no sense.

     But there had to be some closure on my behalf. I sent an e-mail as every other form of communication hadn't gone through. It was short but to the point - including a good cry before, during, and after it was written and sent. There's an opportunity for reply, but easy enough to leave it alone for good.

     I don't really want it to be over for good; who would? I think I did love him, even if just a little bit, and although I never would admit it to others. That's why it's called acting.

     Was I afraid of getting hurt? I suppose somewhere subconsciously I was. I felt that if I blabbed it out it wouldn't be dear anymore. Funny how that turned out.

     Thanks for the friendship, not that you will ever read this.

     Just know that I've learned what it means to have a broken heart.